My next book, The Enlightenment Project, is almost finished. I’ve been really happy with it so far. I didn’t feel like it was missing anything.
Except for one thing: I had this weird persistent feeling all along that the book was shorter than it was supposed to be. Not by a lot, just maybe 8 or 10 pages. But I couldn’t quite explain the feeling, so I shrugged it off and kept going.
Meanwhile, I’d recently teamed up with Jan Cook, booking agent extraordinaire, so that I can start traveling around teaching workshops. I know that’s what I’m meant to be doing; Spirit has made that abundantly clear on many, many occasions. But I’d been resisting it with every molecule of my being.
I know fear of public speaking afflicts like 93% of humanity. I don’t flatter myself that my problem is unique. I just know it runs really, really deep with me, and its tangled threads of self-loathing are a big part of the distorted fabric of my whole self-identity. Even after all these years, I still don’t like to be seen.
I’ve made tons of progress, of course. I’m fine with writing books or telling personal stories now.
But any form of public speaking (even a brief telephone interview) is enough to send me round the bend beforehand, in anticipation. Afterwards is no better – that brief trip into the spotlight is experienced as such a stark violation, I always need a long recovery period afterward of hiding in darkness.
I agreed to stop resisting all this public viewing months ago. I surrendered it all to Spirit. Yet my October speaking gig in Sedona was still enormously difficult, and interviews since then have gotten harder, not easier.
Now I’m scheduled to teach a one-day workshop in Louisiana in May. I know the information itself that I’ll be teaching (thanks to Spirit) is wonderful. But I hit the wall over the seemingly hopeless depth of my public speaking problem. This isn’t the focus I want to carry with me into that workshop. Self-obsessed shyness and fear and ancient tangled up pain and self-hatred are not what I want the underlying energy of that workshop to be about.
I mean, why get on a plane and fly someplace to teach, if I’m so gripped by mistaken self-perception that I can’t even see the other folks in the room as they really are?
So I made a small shift in my intention this morning. I decided to stop perceiving my problem as hopeless. I decided it’s immaterial how tangled or complex or deep it has always seemed. I don’t need to understand each of those tangled threads; I just need to be done hanging onto them. All mistaken perceptions melt away with equal ease, when truth is honestly desired instead. And now I honestly desire truth instead.
So my change of intention is: This problem is already over with. I’ve given Spirit full permission to help heal my misperceptions by whatever means necessary. No holds barred. The steps involved are of no consequence to me; only the outcome matters. And as a result I know with full confidence this painful self-hatred and fear are already things of the past.
Now I look forward to public speaking with a faint sort of tingly joy. Does that mean the problem has resolved itself already? Oh hell no. The deep forgiveness work is still to be done. Only the intention has changed. Yet now I can imagine how wonderful it will be to teach, when I’m free to care about the wellbeing of the other people present, instead of spending 8 hours in violent self-torment.
And I realized that’s what’s been missing from the new book. First I need to undergo this wonderful transformation, freeing myself from my prison of fear and self-judgment once and for all, and then I need to write it down as a useful example for others.
It should make a pretty good story.
12 Replies to “Be the change you wish to write about”
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Hi Carrie:
Thanks for your brutal honesty in sharing this post. I can all too uncomfortably relate to exactly what you’re going through. I have been turning this same issue over to right mind but am still awaiting the comfort I continue to resist. Looking forward to hearing how it goes.
Kind regards,
Susan
Thanks Susan. I think it might be a more common phenomenon among teachers & messengers than we suspect, since so many seem to struggle with deep introversion to begin with. Most just don’t admit it publicly. I guess we’re ridiculously fortunate though, because when we agree to step out in public despite the difficulty it all just becomes another beautiful catalyst for healing and forgiveness, eh?
Dear Carrie,
Wish I was at that workshop in May! I’d love to hear what Spirit has to share with all of us, first of all. And, secondly, I would love to be in the first row, grinning up at you, hilariously at times, as a reminder to not take it all so seriously. Remembered not to to laugh and all that…
But I wouldn’t want to distract you that much. Maybe I would just hold up little placards now and then with photos of silly zoo animals or awkward humans doing funny stuff, to jolt you back to your Truth: there is no audience…you are teaching only yourself! *great guffaw*
I know that it will go swimmingly…I just do. “I am here only to be truly helpful…”
Congrats on almost being done with the new book! Dig the title!
love, eternally,
Triskana
Dearest T!
😀
I would so love to see the pictures of zoo animals and silly humans as I teach! (not to mention your smiling face in the front row!!) But of course, all the work that must be done on this subject is internal. Loving reminders not to take it all so seriously are warmly welcomed, but the real root of the issue is elsewhere. I’m delighted to be ready at last, after all these years, to finally yank out that root. And how wonderfully hilarious the darling little zoo animal placards will be, as an added bonus after I do!
As there are no accidents, last Thanksgiving Fran Duda just happened to in my area and staying about 10 minutes from my house. I had started working with her early last year after being inspired by YOU! She has helped to bring light on things that were just not even on my radar. (Had a very productive time ‘cleaning out my closet’ last year!)
So, here it is the day before Thanksgiving and Fran is sitting on my couch. There was something going on that I just couldn’t put my finger on and sure enough the universe sent Fran to show me the light. Well, as it turns out I just didn’t want to be here in the dream and had been doing my best to be ‘invisible’. The countless ways I had created this through out my life start becoming very, very clear. I even dubbed myself the ‘Invisible Girl’. The next few days I felt like I was in a fog and sometimes my head would just start spinning as if I had suddenly ‘woken-up’. I had done such a bang-up job trying to not be seen in what I created. The feelings of uneasiness and awkwardness when attention was on me go back as far as I can remember. It made me so sad that I cried and cried.
What happened next, unsettled me to say the least. I rush of angry energy came in and I was mad. Mad, mad, and mad. I had not been that rattled in a very long time. I wanted to run up to every single person and say “SEE ME!” There was no filter on my mouth either. Stuff just came flying out left and right – no one was going to forget me. I was not going to be invisible anymore. It felt like I was being ripped in half and had no control of it. All I could think about was Lesson #333 of ACIM -“…conflict must be seen exactly as it is, where it is thought to be, in the reality which has been given it, and with the purpose that the mind accorded it. For only then are its defenses lifted, and the truth can shine upon it as it disappears.” Well I was going to look at it now – even if it killed me (LOL)!
So here come Christmas and it was the first white Christmas in Georgia in over 100 years. It was beautiful. That night, my husband, son and I went for a walk in the snow and as it was falling I looked around and realized that I wasn’t invisible any more. Peace returned. Now the thought of being in front of one person or one hundred thousand people doesn’t bother me in the least.
that’s so beautiful, Janeen! Thank you for telling me. (Yes, our Fran can be quite the catalyst, can’t she!) LOL!
My passion is to help people take their place in the world otherwise known as running courses for people who don’t like public speaking to help them get their heads around it. I just want to offer you a couple of tips that might help.
If we are not careful we carry on using normal one-to-one conversational skills when we are speaking to a group.
When you have a conversation – you normally get nods, smiles, agreements back from the listener however when we speak to a group ALL that changes.
So we start speaking to blank faces and they don’t usually smile (at least not very often) or nod their heads (some people will but again not a lot) so we are left struggling with critical thoughts about our performance. But blank faces in a group are normal. Just standard listening faces rather than faces of judgment or boredom. So when we speak to blank faces in an audience we need to re-think how we see them. Not about disapproval of you but just listening. So turn down your your approval-seeking meter to almost zero- you will think its bust. But carry on cherishing each member of the audience even with those blank faces.
The other tip is about seeing speaking not as a performance but as a conversation. Talk to one person at a time like it was a conversation. Then move to the next person. Not mechanically but truly talking to them.
OK you won’t get the nods but it becomes more possible, more normal. There is more stuff on my blog including a short film about blank faces!
I wish you well.
cheers
John
thank you John! actually the insight about blank faces is very helpful. In my last speaking gig, nearly everyone in the first 2 rows sat with eyes closed most of the time! listening deeply? sound asleep? who knew. (several of them said nice things afterward, so I assume it was the former. but still, pushing on with the talk was extremely uncomfortable minus the feedback I was expecting while I talked.)
Thank you for writing your first book. It came along, of course, at the exact right time for me. Looking forward to your new book!
With you in Spirit at the May gig.
I’m SO happy to hear you are going to be sharing in workshops. I’ll be watching your schedule to see if you will be coming near my area. I’m in the N.W. corner of New Mexico, but could easily travel to Santa Fe, or Albuquerque. I will gladly join with you in your work of clearing the blocks to allowing Spirit to flow freely, as I totally relate to your reluctance to public speaking. Your communication skills are great. I loved your YouTube video with Nouk and Tomas, and I’ve listed to you on ACIM Radio, and enjoyed that as well. You are already a very good communicator, but I know it will be feel much better to you when you feel comfortable doing it. Hang in there! Gloria
Thank you, Gloria! And thank you to Barbara, too (the comment prior to this one), for your kind words.
Gloria, Santa Fe is one of my favorite spots so I do hope to speak there at some point. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement!
Why must you go anywhere to teach anything? Just live your life and go about your normal business. You’ll encounter people along the way and if there’s something to teach them you’ll do it. Your sincerity will take care of everything. Nothing planned, nothing hoped for. Just peace, always. Let people find you, unless of course your desire is to be another Rock Star.