Here’s something spiritual author types hardly ever tell you: Journeys of faith are messy. Not just yours – ours, too. We just tend to be quieter about it.
See, once you’ve embraced the goal of enlightenment, there really aren’t any reliable signposts anymore, no matter who you are. And that can be a little, um, awkward.
Ever since my book came out (the book in which I unequivocally state that A Course in Miracles is the last teaching I will ever need) I’ve been having the uncomfortable feeling that I may have misstated it a bit.
Don’t get me wrong – as far as I can tell, A Course in Miracles is a pure teaching of ultimate truth. The content is perfect. But I’ve been feeling like the form is not where it’s at for me. And not just ACIM’s form. Any teaching’s form.
It’s like I keep getting prodded in the back – lovingly, gently, but very firmly – by a Heavenly billy club, while NO LOITERING signs repeatedly appear all around me.
Keep moving, lady, nothing to see here.
So it all came to a head a few weeks ago. I got a chunk of Divine inspiration to start working on my next book. If I can pull it off, I’m pretty sure this book will be hugely helpful to a lot of people, but it’s going to require translation skills I don’t possess yet.
It’ll be the essence of A Course in Miracles brought to bear somehow on the earthly concerns of this 3-D dream world. (Tricky, I know. Maybe impossible.) A bridge of sorts, between worlds, for those who don’t yet actively aspire to enlightenment. But it means I have to strike out on my own all over again, to forge yet another new path through the wilderness and leave my cozy ACIM home behind.
Damn it.
So I freaked out a little. A teeny, cosmic WTF moment. (Hey, like I said. It happens.) And since I don’t know anything about anything, I didn’t want to make any moves at all. Not only did I surrender this whole writing/speaking/messengering gig to Spirit, I actually gave it back & walked away from it completely.
Oh, I’m still totally into it. I happily offer this earthly meat suit as a vehicle for Heavenly expression, as long as I’m hanging around here. I just didn’t want to screw around making mistakes of my own anymore.
Show me what I’m supposed to do/say, or else I’m not doing/saying anything. And if that means a few thousand copies of my current book go in the shredder, that’s ok. Or if I blow up and become some giant oddball media figure, that’s ok too. I’m just not doing anything to engineer it.
So, basically, you could say it was a crisis of faith.
Except here’s the funny thing. I spent a few hours drowning in the drama of the whole situation that day, but then late that same night a really unusual thing happened: In one of those trance-like states of nether sleeping nor waking, Spirit spent a really long time speaking to me, and I spent those same hours carefully listening.
But I have no idea what was said. It’s not that I knew at the time but now forget – it’s more like I received the information directly into my life, bypassing my conscious mind altogether.
And when I got up in the morning, I felt no pain. No existential angst, no drama. And since I didn’t know what to do, I peacefully did nothing. (Which, if you know me at all, is a brand new thing.)
So there you have it. I’m still doing nothing. All my beliefs have once again been shaken loose and I have no idea where the hell I’m going. But thanks to Spirit, it’s a very peaceful journey.
And did I mention it’s never boring?
8 Replies to “Is it still a crisis if it doesn’t hurt?”
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I think that many students, especially new ones, feel that ACIM is the path that starts at step one and ends at step enlightment…. that once you have it…..well life will feel perfect in mind and spirit and you’ll have no more crisis, no problems and every cross-road will be clearly and painlessly painted. And maybe that’s true….but I’ve found that there are still areas and times in my life that I don’t know what to do…that I still get angry or have feelings of pain in various relationships. The difference, again speaking just for myself, is that I know now the direction I want to go. Yeah….I’m angry, but I don’t want to stay there for long. Yes, I feel emotional pain but I don’t want to hug it any longer than necessary in order to recognize it for what it is, and make a decision to move through and beyond it in a healing way. This always seems to require me to own up to my error in judgment and to forgive myself Oh-Yet-Another-Darn-Time!! And wonder how long I’m going to continue to do this to myself and (in the 3-D world) others around me. For decades now I’ve tried to find the value in mistakes and errors and life crisis events….and now since I’ve been a student of ACIM, I find myself growing more and more in Trust. In God, not my little whinner-ego. And when I’m aware of this Trust, that in turn reminds me of how God’s Love will always be there for me, forever and a day. It calms me to know this, lets me make the choice to follow another step that the Holy Spirit offers. And it’s always the same step…always towards forgiveness and healing and peace. I’m pretty sure there will be more life’s little trauma’s for me but with that Trust I feel so much comfort that it’s all going to be healed eventually….and for now that’s OK.
Gesh!! Can’t believe that I forgot to write my main point!! Which is, Carrie, that I think rather than the Course being a cookie-cutter pattern for everyone, that it’s more individualized than we realize. Some people I know who are students of ACIM wonder what’s “wrong” with them when they don’t see ‘lights’ at the so-called proper time, or hear God’s Voice or the skies don’t open up in a blaze of glory for them. All of our life’s lessons are so personally made just for us that it just gets in our own way if we try to figure out or explain why our path seems to be veering off from what other’s seem to experience. I know mine has…..and it’s another judgment that can make things more complicated for ourselves if we question the why of it. I love the acceptance and trust that you’re offering back to HS by waiting for His Green Light to tell you when to go and where to go and how to do it. I’m excited to see what gifts you’ll have to share with all of us.
Dear Carrie: You say, above,: “Ever since my book came out (the book in which I unequivocally state that A Course in Miracles is the last teaching I will ever need) I’ve been having the uncomfortable feeling that I may have misstated it a bit.”
The last teaching you will ever need is whatever it is that Spirit guides you to teach yourself that will undo that last bit of ego/fear that is holding you here on planet psycho. If that ‘teaching’ comes in the package of you teaching ‘you’, then so be it. Apparently, it has not been written yet. Its in the ‘ethers’ waiting for you to write it to yourself. And, by way of being One in the Sonship, to all of us/me/you, as well.
You seem to have volunteered, by your continuing to ask Spirit to guide you, to become a Voice for others in the dream (more of ourself/yourself) who are still struggling with the doubt parts.
If you didn’t stop to look at where you are in the dream, to ask those ‘crisis of faith’ questions, how would you know what to ask next? Or where to go? HS uses whatever we give HIm/It to help with our waking up. You give it all. And that is where the rubber meets and exceeds the road. *vroom* *vroom* Just some thoughts…….Write on, Baby!
Dear Carrie – I just had a very strong response and resonance within me as I was reading this post. There was a very strong thought as I read about you writing your new book of “I’ll help you with that.” I don’t know in what capacity or whatever but there’s an availability or opening in me with regard to this and it’s helpfulness somehow so if something comes up let me know. Best wishes and gratitude.
Hi Annie, that’s lovely! Are you on Facebook? maybe we could keep in touch there, and see how that spark of divine intuition of yours might develop as work on the new book continues.
xo
Carrie
Yes am on facebook though haven’t been visiting much lately. Seem to be having a very deep response to a lot of the stuff you’re writing and was just listening to a youtube interview you did and again that sense of YES – “I’ll help with that.” response came so I’ll keep listening to see how it unfolds and check in with you on facebook at times. A lot of distrust in me still that I am hearing and not just making it up.
Yep, that’s a big hurdle, getting over the distrust & fear that you’re making it up. 🙂
If it helps, you’re not alone in that, it seems to be the nature of the ego mind regardless of how big & unmistakable the signs that are shown.
All I can say is I cannot believe that I found people that I can actually relate to! I am so excited. I really started to think I was the only one out here on my own! No one I know can relate to me, or vice-a-versa so I quietly keep my thoughts to myself… thinking …If I ever told anyone what I really know …they are going to think I lost my mind. But I am so excited right now, I am amazed that I can actually talk to you and others. I am speechless chills are popping out. I am so grateful. THANK YOU! I love this!